After 2 years of being bandless, I have serendipitously found myself a part of a new band that I’m really excited about. But whiskey, 5-minute guitar solos, and compliments like “dude that was awesome” can only take you so far. The next key step to any band is picking a name. So vital is this process that it can make or break a band before they’ve even had a gig. Take Maroon 5 for instance. Before they invested in the classic “color + number” formula, they were called “Kara’s Flowers.” Clearly that wasn’t going anywhere, however, I’m sure the flower shop down the street was ecstatic to get so much additional business. Matchbox 20 is another great case. Following the tried and true path of “word-ending-in-’box’ + number” they were able to overcome the hurdles that their first band name, “Tabitha’s Secret”, presented. Most of it was due to a second trademark lawsuit brought by Tabitha after they lost their first battle to Victoria.
So here we are, at this vital crossroads in our band career. We must choose a name. And not any name. A GREAT name. A name that can be plastered on billboards, television teleprompters and panties. My first suggestions were:
Babies Taste Good
Oops I Dropped The Soap
Damn, I Thought That Jalapeño Was An Olive
Hot Tubs At Midnight
I Thought I Told You I Changed My Number
Actually You Are Pretty
Exxon
Panic In The Cubicle
&
Vital Breathe
[choose any color][choose any number]
[word ending in "box"][choose any number]
R.T.A.B.F.G.T.
We-Tried-To-Think-Of-A-Witty-Somewhat-Topical-Band-Name-But-Ended-Up-Passing-Out-From-Our-Own-Pretentiousness
But these left bandmates feeling dirty and confused. So the next stage included the following suggestions (and yes, these are real and still technically possibilities):
Hidden Planet – but I don’t use enough space echo delay for this band name
Early Morning Sunday – I’m always asleep at this time, making music playing difficult
Lion Red – I fear this would make us seem dislexic
Based on Reality – (1) My life is based on the imaginary, (2) I hate reality TV shows
Kill the Radio – Radio is already dying, we don’t need to kick it while it’s down
Misfit Generation – We’re not a punk band. And even if we were… well, no.
Social Tension – Distortion, Tension, can anyone really tell the difference?
Balking at the Subject – Too “baseball” meets “middle school” for my taste
Original Subject – A bit too “dorky-kid-wants-to-feel-special-in-middle-school” for me
Planned Excape – Not sure where the “x” came from, but I might reconsider this if I were opening a titty bar
The Lions – We’re simply not good enough at this point or indie enough to have a name like this
Oakland Street Band – …except that only one of us may have spent any time on Oakland Street
The Locals – Difficult application when touring to other cities we’ve never been to
Reality Bites – I try to avoid law suits with 90s movies at all costs
Half-Baked idea – I don’t even think any of us smoke weed…
Bane’s Daughter Band – None of us are girls or have parents named “Bane”… that I know of…
Case of the Mondays – Not quite ready to be that cubicle-bound-suppressed-tie-wearing-office-worker-who-also-plays-cover-songs-at-Chili’s-on-Wednesdays guy
Back Stage West – Cardinal directions confuse me when I’m drunk
Kanye West Meltdown – mmm, topical…but where will be in 20 years?
Vegan Tuesday – I don’t like vegetables or Tuesdays enough to latch onto this
Found Suspension – WHAT?!? Why in God’s name would we want to suspend food? Oh wait, that says “Found”, my bad, I see where my head is at.
Regular Unleaded – that’s like saying “we’re not quite hard enough to be called ‘Diesel’”
Amsterdam – City names are always a solid bet… follow in the footsteps of Chicago and Boston. But I’m not sure my love of absinthe is enough to keep this one in the mix
Echo Distortion – Too many effects… clean tones are where it’s at
Indie Underground – We are neither.
Lion Rogue – Again, some fear of being labeled a dyslexic, but maybe if you reverse it…
Calico Collective – I prefer Persian cats.
Calico Perspective – I still prefer Persian cats.
Woodland War Heroes – YES! And our first gig can be at Dragoncon 2010!
Devon Herald – I don’t know who this is, but he’ll probably sue us.
Emblem – Vague, dark, brooding. Can’t live up to that.
The Amber Lions – Whew, proper adjective-noun placement. But I don’t like the color amber.
The Scarlet Sound – What if “sound” was actually “letter” and we wore matching sweaters?
Loose Neck Babies – Making fun on babies born without spinal cords is neither funny nor practical.
Davenport – First I would need to know where this city is located.
Author’s Architect – this just confuses me
Channel 71 – shit, what if there’s already a band named “Channel 72″? Then what??
Canal Sweepers – This is an impossible task. Chimneys are more doable.
Drifting Woodies (haha)…… – ha ha indeed. That means “no”
The Contortionist – only if we could hire one to be on stage with us at all times
Frankincense & Spurs – ooo, Jesus meets Basketball meets Cowboys… both sexy and intriguing…
Winchester Derby Parade – we could play the NRA-sponsored tent at the next horse race… but then again, I don’t look good wrapped in a confederate flag
Castle Bailey – Who is Bailey?
Seascape Conductor – if I were a retired train buff, this would be perfect
Secateurs – I have no idea what this means, but I think I like it
So that’s where we are. We are open to taking suggestions. And I suggest you make some. After all, if you’re reading this, you’re going to be seeing this name frequently in my status updates and live news feed… and yes, I know if you’ve hidden my live news feed.
Peace,
Mars
